Things That Furuba Characters Would Never Say!
by Konnichiwa Minna
Summary: Crack humor. Parody. Here are some things that Furuba characters would never say. I hope you enjoy. R&R, please! Sorry for the 4 month late update.
1. Furuba MADNESS

**Author's Notes: **Hello, this is a fic that is based on things that Fruits Basket characters would never say! I know it will suck, so beware! Obviously OOC! I want to know whether people like this kind of thing, so please review! I need opinions! And contructive criticism and pointing out grammatical/spelling errors is definitely helpful, too!

Review, please! Flames accepted! Ahaha.

**Disclaimer: **Honestly, I own nothing, except for SOME of the words that escape these character's lips in this fic. Other words are lyrics, which I also, unfortunately, do not own.

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**Things That Fruits Basket Character's Would Never Say**

**Chapter I: Furuba MADNESS.**

**By Konnichiwa Minna**

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**Kyou: **-kisses passionately- You taste so delicious I could just eat you up! -deepens kiss- I love you... leeks!

**Tohru: **Bloody hell! Are you trying to make the house look clean after I made a huge ass mess!?

**Yuki: **MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I am so mentally unbalanced! No need for jealousy, though! There's enough mental illnesses to go around!

**Shigure: **Ahhhhh!! Porn! Get that blasted stuff away from me! No, I think I will puke. -vomits- Eww, my barf looks like Tohru.

**Akito: **Hey, pass the porn! Naked ladies are sexy! -looks innocent- What's wrong with being a lesbian?

**Hatori: **Damn, I can ride pretty well! Better than you! I bet you could never ride this well! My horse is the fastest on this merry-go-round!

**Ayame: **Your mom smells like cow and horse shit. And you smell worse. When's the last time you took a shower?

**Momiji: **This is why I'm hot. This is why I'm hot. This is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot. I'm hot 'cause I'm fly, you ain't 'cause you not. This is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot.

**Hatsuharu: **Rin is a bitch, a big fat bitch, the biggest fat bitch in the whole wide world.

**Rin: **Shalalalalala, my oh my, looks like the boy's too shy, ain't gonna kiss the girl! Shalalalalala, ain't that sad, it's such a shame, too bad, you're gonna miss the girl!

**Kureno: **Itzy bitzy spider crawled up the water spout! Down came the rain and washed the spider out! Up came the sun and dried up all the rain! Itzy bitzy spider crawled up the spout again!

**Arisa: **Bop, bop, bop, bop to the top! Slip and slide and ride that rhythm! Jump and hop, hop 'til we drop! And start again!

**Saki**: Zip, zap, zop, pop like a mop! Scoot around the corner! Move it to the groove 'til the music stops! Do the bop, bop! Bop to the top! Don't ever stop! Bop to the top! Gimmie gimmie! Shimmie shimmie!

**Hiro: **I like candy and pink things! Like, OMG, I'm so totally cool! Kiss me and love me! Give me all your attention and love, baby!

**Kagura: **Eww! Kyou makes me puke! What a loser! Like, hello! Kyou was so yesterday! I've moved on to Yuki! -calls out- Yuki, darling!

**Kisa: **Hey, Akito, baby, can I borrow some of that porn. I'm feeling slightly horny! Hey, wait, you said you were a lesbian, right? Maybe we don't need the porn, after all. -giggles evilly-

**Ritsu: **You're a waste of space! You don't deserve to live! Stop breathing my air, bastard!

**Kimi: **You know, speaking from third person is getting gay, lame, and annoying. I think it's stupid. I must've been drunk or something. -sigh- You know what? I'm depressed. Bring me some weed, man.

**Machi: **Hey, baka Kagura! Yuki is mine! Back away! -starts cat fight- You bitch! -bitch slaps- You don't deserve to live!

**Megumi: **Hey, sis! Let's start a wet t-shirt contest! Whoever gets soaked last wins! -pulls out water canon-

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**Author's Notes: **God, there's too many characters! So, I only did a couple. Phew, that was exhausting! Anyway, I know this sucked. I am fully aware. But, I was bored. And this consumed some time, so, overall, I'm satisfied.

Let me know what you think! Review, please!

Flames are accepted. Ahaha.

:D

_Konnichiwa Minna_

**-X- If anyone likes Gakuen Alice or Naruto, check out my profile and stories for them! If you do read them, please review! Thanks! -X-**

**Edit: _I SUGGEST YOU IGNORE WHAT IS WRITTEN BELOW!_**

From whatwasthat: that was like the dumbbest shit ever what the fuck possesed you to write that shit you should of put that ina file on your computer that never open or you'll pay by reading my bullshit i so sorry to flame but i can't help it its not you it the story i'm flaming so don't take it personal ok chow

My reply: Okay, first of all, I think you should learn to spell. Secondly, why was it the 'dumbbest shit ever?' I don't mind you calling it that, but I would like to know why, so I can fix it. Thirdly, WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THAT MY FIC WAS THE DUMBEST SHIT EVER? Huh!? I don't see your 'masterpieces!' I know this fic sucks, so I don't mind your flame that much, but it's fun replying to it, anyway. Too bad you didn't leave an email or account or anything. You were scared of my wrath, weren't you! You're a wimp! Chicken! Scaredy cat! Haha!

Ooooh, is that a threat? I'll pay by reading your 'bullshit?' Haha, you know, it doesn't really bother me. Replying to you gives me something to do. I'm sorry, but your review just kills me with laughter! Why are flamers practically always anonymous? Wait, don't answer. Let me guess. It's 'cause your so damn scared that us author's are going to win the verbal fight! Because we have 'two feet to stand on,' unlike you. I'm not even going to explain what that quote means, 'cause you don't deserve to know.

I think the funniest part of your flame is the end. 'Don't take it personal ok chow.' First of all, it's 'personally.' Secondly, where's the punctuation & capitals? Thirdly, I seriously think you just wasted your time. Do you really think I wouldn't take it personally!? Of course I would! I wrote the bloody fic, after all. But, you know what, I am going to say no more. I'm bored of trying to talk to an idiot.

Don't take it personally. Haha.

If anyone reads this, please know that this is what anonymous flamers receive. If you don't want stupid & lame lectures, I suggest you avoid flaming me. Of course, flames are still accepted, haha, but now you know the consequences. Besides, I kind of enjoy being mean back, seeing as I'm practically always nice, especially in person. (Lol, I'm not egotistical, just saying the truth.)

**This is for whatwasthat... (But other people can read it if they want...)**


	2. Furuba Oddness

**Author's Notes:** Umm, my last chapter was a bit... odd. Okay, it was super weird!! So forgive me... I'm not really a pervert... and some of the things I wrote scared me. And I wrote them for heaven's sake!! I must have been on something... even though I did not, do not, and never will do drugs.

Anyway, hopefully this super late chapter will be less frightening for younger audiences.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. I also do not say any of these bizarre things that will be coming out our favourite characters' mouths.

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**Things That Fruits Basket Character's Would Never Say**

**Chapter II: Furuba Oddness.**

**By Konnichiwa Minna**

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**Kyou: **Oh my, me thought he purged the air of pestilence with his graceful, gliding steps of wonder. I cannot fathom how my dislike for my beloved Yuki ever existed, for, now, all that exists is my true love and respect for him.

**Tohru:** Kyo, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but... I am your father!!! MUHAHAHA! Uh, I mean mother! Mother!!

**Yuki:** Shigure, I have thought deeply about your proposal. I accept. I will be your lawfully wedded wife! Forever, baby!

**Shigure: **-serious- Ayame. You really need to become a man. No more girly dresses for you.

**Akito:** You know, I was going to be a good person, but I found that boring. Back to pistols and shotguns for me!! Oh yeah, I love these babies. Lemme give 'em a shot. -pow- Aww, I'm soaked! Stupid water gun, I was pointing it towards Momiji, not me!

**Hatori:** I confess, I used to date Shigure... but there's a good reason. He told me he had this incurable disease. It was later that I found out that the disease was stupidity.

**Ayame:** Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the superbowl.

**Momiji:** Akito, darling, it was never meant to be.

**Hatsuharu: **If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends! Make it last forever, friendship never ends!

**Rin:** Hahahaha! Booger! -sticks out tongue-

**Kureno:** Eat my shorts, man!!

**Arisa:** Gah, it's another Simpsons cheesy clip show... I'm gonna go make some delicious leeks-free dinner for my Kyo.

**Saki:** ... I can see your ass. Cover it up, will ya?

**Hiro:** Oh, my tummy hurts... -poops- All better.

**Kagura:** Hey Shigure, would it kill ya to make some noise? I can hear my own annoying thoughts about Kyo.

**Kisa:** Hiro, we're over man! I go to the grocery shop and buy the food. Then I come home and clean the house. After I make the dinner, you keep all the food to yourself. Then you poop it out and expect me to clean it up. Men, there all the same! -sigh-

**Ritsu:** -mocking- Aww, poor baby wants a bottle! -rude- Well, too bad! You gotta grow up and make it on your own in life! Be a man! Rub some dirt on your injuries!

**Kimi:** A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.

**Machi:** DON'T HAVE A COW MAN! Jeez, you're so GAY!

**Megumi:** You little punk! I'm gonna beat you good! You'll be so beaten up, you'll be... dead! Yeah, that's it! Haha, dead. Uh oh, cops! Gotta run!

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**Author's Notes:** Um, everyone please forgive me if it sucked. Also, some quotes may be wrong. And I'm sorry if people thought I was crazy, especially since I wrote that huge lecture. It was just for fun, I think... I can't remember. I'm also sorry for updating like 4 months later. I've been really busy and lots of things have happened. I got depressed and wanted to commit suicide, etc... but I think I'm okay now! I'll try to be more calm and not as crazy anymore, 'kay? Well, if anyone does read this, I will sincerely appreciate it. And I'll appreciate it even more if you review and tell me your opinions on this chapter.

Was it better or worse than the last chapter? Let me know!

Flames are accepted. I don't think I will give any long lectures anymore.

:D

_Konnichiwa Minna_


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